I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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