youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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