for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
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yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
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If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
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