There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
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