You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
Randomize
