i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
