there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
