2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
