My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
