My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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