Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
