Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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