i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
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