In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
