You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
