i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
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