gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
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