Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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