my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
zippers are such a cool invention
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
