I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I can't watch pbs sober anymore
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
