i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
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the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
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My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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