Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
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