sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
