Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
