There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
