I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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