I skipped work to stalk him.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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