I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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