i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Randomize