I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
