Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
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it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
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High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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