Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
