If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
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