what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
