Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Randomize
