come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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