The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
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