I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
