He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
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There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
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It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
i think my cat just said my name.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
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