Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
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I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
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I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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