My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
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He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
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I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
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