i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Randomize
