I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
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