you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
