I just cut my nipple shaving
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Randomize
