My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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