In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
that may or may not have been my penis.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
