so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
