I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Randomize
