I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
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