We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
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