I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
