I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.