Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
