Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Randomize
